I’m sure the Connecticut school shooting, which is every parent’s nightmare, has affected you with the same sadness and heavy heart that I have been experiencing. We can only pray that the love and compassion that we each express for the families of the victims and the entire community of Newtown will bring them some peace during this confusing and desperate time.

In the past few days I’ve heard several conversations about why this tragedy happened.  One dangerous myth that is gaining traction and that needs to be dispelled quickly is that the cause of this ruthless killer’s behavior was Asberger’s Syndrome.  Millions of people live well, high-functioning lives challenged with this developmental disability. The fact that Adam Lanza had Asberger’s Syndrome did not make him pull the trigger, multiple times, of a semiautomatic rifle and murder 26 people.  Adam Lanza had the mindset of a deranged criminal.  He represents a classic case of untreated mental illness. I find it difficult to believe that no one noticed how sick this man was prior to this tragic event. We are told to say something if we see a strange bag sitting in a subway station. When do we say something when we see bizarre, potentially dangerous criminal behavior in another human being?

Another pressing issue to address is how to help our children cope with their fears about the shooting. Children are asking questions about whether or not they’re safe, especially at school.

Perhaps the most disturbing single piece of data found in Daniel Goleman’s groundbreaking book, “Emotional Intelligence” comes from a massive survey of parents and teachers showing a worldwide trend for the present generation of children to be more troubled emotionally than the last. They are more fearful, lonely, depressed, angry, unruly, nervous, prone to worry, more impulsive and aggressive. These children are not emotionally prepared to deal with all the confusion and chaos in their lives. This is not a time for children to be left alone to fend for themselves.  The emotional education of these children cannot be left to chance. It is too hard for these kids to feel all this despair, hopelessness, and confusion on their own.  Right now, more than ever, they need our love, guidance and attention. They need to know they are safe.

I’d like to offer these five suggestions to help your children through this difficult time:

1)  Stay close. Your children need to know they’re protected. They need to be in environments of loving  relationships.  Stop arguing if they  are around. Don’t worry about coddling them– they need it if they are anxious or afraid.

2)  Touch. Expressions of affection produce a calming effect on adults as well as children. Be emotionally present and sensitive to acting out behavior that is based in fear.

3)  Communicate. They have questions: “will a  killer come to shoot me at school?” “Why did that man hurt those children?”  Give them age appropriate answers. Talking won’t increase their anxiety—it  will help to reduce it. Make it safe to ask you questions.

4)  Honesty. Tell them the truth like.. “Not everyone in the world is bad. You are loved and you are safe with people who love and care about you.”

5)  Give Them Time. We cannot ignore this incident and hope that with time the feelings will go away.  It is important to keep life as normal as possible. Consistency and routine reinforce the message of safety for children. That stability over time will help to dispel their fears.

When you’re  thinking about the perfect gift this holiday season and what you can do that could really make a difference, hug someone you love a little tighter and then say a prayer for the innocent children, heroic adults and their families in Newtown, Connecticut.

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As anyone who knows me well is aware, I too have been a passionate admirer of Ayn Rand and her philosophy has had a profound effect on my view of life’s possibilities. Like millions of other people, I discovered her writing at a young age and wholeheartedly embraced her heroic vision of human potential, free enterprise and enlightened self-interest. Obviously there is a good deal more to her philosophy that this brief article can begin to convey but those are the core ideas at the base of everything else that she wrote.

In the last two weeks, the media has exploded with incredible distortions and misrepresentations about the implications of Ms. Rand’s influence on Paul Ryan’s character. For example, when he said that while she inspired him, his catholic background would be a major disagreement with Ms. Rand’s point of view on religion, he was accused of “flip flopping” and of “being a hypocrite”.

One of the unfortunate consequences of oversimplification and reducing complex ideas to sound-bites is that it allows people to form opinions on subjects of which they have no knowledge. Perhaps that is the media’s intent.  One unpleasant fact I’ve needed to learn about people is how low in their priorities telling the truth becomes when they have strong feelings about a cause and want to make their point. People in the media are no worse than anyone else, they merely perform on a more public stage.

Ayn Rand offered me and the millions of other people who have been moved by her work, a frame of reference to understand the world along with an uplifting vision of human nature and relationships. In my opinion, she was not right in all respects of that vision, but she had one and it provided radiantly rational answers to a lot of burning important questions about life. Although there are elements of her vision that need to be changed, omitted, added or amplified, I am convinced that the major part of her view will stand the test of time.

Her work encourages people to understand the nature of their own power and possibilities; she assures us that we are competent to learn and understand, and that achievement and happiness are not only possible but to be exalted. For this she was denounced as a materialist, accused of advocating for a dog-eat-dog world and smeared as being a fascist. I’ve never heard of any other philosopher who has had their ideas quite so brazenly attacked and misrepresented. Regardless, her books have sold and continue to sell in the millions.

Ayn Rand taught that our highest virtue is our ability to think rationally. She discouraged distorted all-or-nothing thinking—that is looking at things in absolute, black and white categories without examining the premise. An example of this sort of twisted thinking is the media’s claim that being moved and inspired by Ms. Rand’s work means that Mr. Ryan must be in agreement with everything she ever said or wrote? As we mature we learn that the best of human beings are human at best. They make mistakes. Ayn Rand would turn over in her grave to hear me say this, but she did have the right to be wrong sometimes. If we only see a person’s greatness and deny their shortcomings, or visa versa, we remain blind.

If you would like to understand the fundamentals of Ayn Rand’s philosophy, I suggest you consult the Ayn Rand Institute. What I’d like to address are the four major ways that Ayn Rand’s philosophy and my own differ. This list is by no means an exhaustive explanation of our different views but even touching on them strikes me as important.

1. Ayn Rand was an atheist who rejected any form of what she called mysticism. She dismissed anyone who was a “believer” as a crackpot or charlatan.

I don’t think she understood spirituality very well—she certainly never studied the subject.  She was profoundly secular and she had a closed mind about any power greater than oneself.  Another view did not fit into her model of the world.

2. She was also off in her view of the relationship between reason and emotion. She advised that we always be guided by our conscious mind. Such council does not adequately deal with the fact that in my experience the subconscious mind might be right when the conscious mind is mistaken. There are many occasions in my life when I refused to listen to my feelings and followed my conscious beliefs—which were wrong. Denying, disowning or repressing our feelings sabotages our ability to think clearly because it cuts off access to vital information. We can only grow after we accept who and what we are right now.

3. She had no real appreciation for human psychology, more specifically how people can change. She placed enormous importance on the virtue of justice and she had no compassion for a person who does something they know is wrong. The behavior is simply branded as evil and she offers no useful advice of where to go from there.

In my view, we cannot lead people to morality by treating them with contempt. It is far more effective to give people a realistic path to follow to become more moral human beings. I am also a strong believer in kindness, benevolence, generosity and being mutually helpful to other human beings. To me, it is a virtue to assist people who are struggling to live.  That view is entirely compatible with Ms. Rand’s ethic of rational self-interest.

4. Where Ayn Rand was totally off the beam was her belief that no woman should aspire to be president of the United States.  As a follower of Ayn Rand, I found this to be one of the most disappointing lapses in her thinking.

Ayn Rand’s work has so much that is truly extraordinary to offer all of us. On a personal note, I am deeply grateful for her wisdom, insight and inspiration. I appreciate that Paul Ryan acknowledged her greatness as well as some of her errors and mistakes. Now we all have the responsibility to sort out the true from the false as we choose the next Leaders of our country.

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With such close competition occurring among the best-of-the-best, we are left asking, “What makes a champion?” “How do these athletes stay so dedicated to winning under pressure” and most importantly “What lessons can leaders learn from these Olympians’ examples?”

Two books come to my mind: 212: The Extra Degree by Sam Parker, and Good to Great by Jim Collins. In 212: The Extra Degree, Parker uses the properties of water as a metaphor for success in business and in life. Parker explains how the difference between very hot water (211 degrees F) and BOILING water (212 degrees F) is only a single degree! From this, he posits that the difference between worldwide success and mere solvency in a business happens within the same small range. Some effort: some success. EXTRA effort: phenomenal success. Similarly, in Good to Great, Collins extolls the virtues of greatness and dedication to goals, while actually criticizing half-effort and being “good enough”.  According to Collins, good-enough is the ENEMY of great; if we settle for good-enough, why would we ever push ourselves further to attain greatness? These ideas offer insights as to why our Olympic champions succeed, and how we as leaders can implement their singularity of purpose as a business strategy.

Becoming the best at anything is never easy. I read recently about how our champion Olympic gymnast, Gabby Douglas, often made sacrifices and endured discomfort, as did her family. On one particular occasion, Douglas was away from home training, and felt very homesick. She called her mother asking to come home, a plea that many parents would quickly cave to. However, Douglas’s mother believed in her daughter’s potential, and lovingly but firmly told her that she would not be picking her up, and to stay and continue her training. While Douglas almost certainly did not like her mother’s response at the time, she now possesses an Olympic gold medal. The road to success is not always comfortable or easy; we must be hard on ourselves, and sometimes on those around us. How often do we quit because we simply let ourselves off the hook, or others around us tell us to take it easy, to take a break? That road might lead to good-enough, but seldom will it lead to GREAT. As leaders, do we push ourselves to achieve more than is comfortable, to strive for our ultimate best? Furthermore, once we ourselves push our limits, do we demand the same from our employees, colleagues, community members, or fellow leaders? Would we have the courage to say to them, “You are not bailing out on this one; you need to stay and finish your training?”

However, I have also recently learned that not everyone views this success-at-any-cost model in the same way. Where I view it as inspiring, some other business people I have spoken with take a different view. For example, one psychologist I spoke with feels that the fate of Olympic athletes is a tragic one, that the athletes are “like trained animals who never learn to do anything else” and that their “life’s purpose is essentially finished by the time they reach their mid-20’s”.  Besides being a pretty cynical view, her focus was on the “heartbroken poor losers” who get “rejected and forgotten”.  Another professional, a writer, observed that the Olympics are “only about money and advertising” and expressed a conviction not to watch the Olympics “ever since the tragic massacre in Munich”. I was surprised by how these professionals’ views of the Olympics so radically differed from mine. I understand the importance of treating the people who lose with compassion and the concerns about the over commercialization of the games.  But, I think these comments represent two disturbing trends:  that we shouldn’t acknowledge exceptionalism based on who actually performs the best because it makes people feel bad; and bashing the private sector for finding ways to distinguish their products.  I say, there are winners and different levels of winners:  gold, silver and bronze.  The best of the best get the gold.  Regarding the financial support of the games by Corporate America, I say, without it the Olympics wouldn’t exist!  To the athletes who have sacrificed so much, I express my deepest gratitude for giving the rest of us a glimpse of how much we all can achieve with hard work, discipline, perseverance and a heart to win!

Continue the conversation: What do you think of the Olympic games? As a leader, what lessons do you take away from the games or this blog post? Do you find fault with any aspect of the Olympics, as some of my colleagues did?  Please, share your perspective; email your responses to ellen@cooperperson.com.

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Crimes of this nature have increased in recent years, and seem to leave us asking the same questions again and again. “How did this happen?” “Why did no one intervene?” and “How can this be prevented?” We all know the old adage, “Hindsight is 20/20.” This idea is never more relevant than when we encounter massacres, shootings, and large-scale violence. The seeds of these tragedies are sewn in small, day-to-day encounters. Criminals who go on to commit these atrocities begin merely as people with issues, in need of help.  That disengaged and depressed student in your English class who is mercilessly tormented by their peers? That co-worker of yours who’s prone to bouts of rage, and seems to be at the end of their rope? When we look at how we treat the disturbed or difficult people in our lives, it becomes much clearer HOW these things go unaddressed until it is too late. Sadly, we often do not have the courage to voice concerns about the people around us. Or worse, we DO bring our suspicions to leaders in our community, and those leaders do nothing.

Speaking up about someone’s potentially troubling behavior is uncomfortable; we are concerned with being politically correct, with not offending anyone. And for leaders who have been informed of a problem employee or community member, this difficulty is magnified. When you are a leader, you’re all to familiar with the saying “The buck stops here”. It is certainly a hefty responsibility, but a crucial one. As a leader, you have the power to prevent tragedies by responding to concerns sensitively, but with firm and decisive action. Looking the other way is tantamount to aiding and abetting the wrongs being perpetrated, as seen in the Sanduski case.

In response to safety concerns within New York’s mass transit system, the Long Island Rail Road launched their now-famous “If You See Something, Say Something” campaign a few years ago. This same idea can be applied to workplace relations, classroom dynamics, and community interactions.  If you encounter a person whose demeanor or behavior seems not-quite-right, speak up to your supervisor or a local office that can address the issue. Fears of offending the person should be far outweighed by a sense of responsibility for preventing needless violence later on. Obviously, I am not advising you become an agent of the Thought-Police, or persecute others just for being outside the mainstream. But when you get that gut-feeling that something’s not right, go with your gut.

And if you are a leader to whom such a concern is brought, address it. Perhaps we can tweak the Long Island Rail Road’s motto to apply to leaders: “If Someone Says Something, Take It Seriously!”.  You can avail yourself of workplace resources such as sensitivity training, having other leaders to support you when you confront the individual, etc. But please, whatever you do, do not allow concerns about disturbed persons to go unaddressed. The lives of community members, perhaps even the lives of yourself and your family members, may hang in the balance.

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Amid all these charges, one underlying issue has become evident: Everybody (including the public) believes that our political system lacks integrity. Rhetoric doesn’t match reality, resulting in a huge disconnect between what public figures say and what they actually do.  Their internal identity does not match their external one; there is no congruence between the two.

Ensuring congruency of identity is important for leaders in any walk of life, not just politics. We need this harmony to feel and be seen as authentic.  We identify ourselves by our intentions.  Others judge us by our actions.  What we say must match what we do—and what we do even when no one is looking. This is what I call “Identity-Driven Decision-making,” or ID-Squared. So, for example, we can’t be collegial with our co-workers by day and then be abusive to a restaurant server by night. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with having different identities associated with different roles, such as being a parent, executive or youth group leader.  But in each case, we may need to find ways of establishing an integrated identity.

ID-Squared takes this to a new dimension when our identity is self-limiting, even destructive.   Often our story about what we can and cannot do is frankly “head trash”.

However advantageous, making changes to achieve identity-congruency can seem uncomfortable and scary.  Letting go of the old, means leaving a safe place and facing untried behaviors and uncertain challenges.  So the key to leaving behind the old identity is finding something to fill the void, substituting the worn out, energy draining old stories about who we are with new, empowering beliefs that define us today.

Traditionally, change initiatives are easier said than done.  Going through the process often takes a lot of courage and determination—and the willingness to ask for help.  I’m excited about a brand new technique I’ve discovered that can create almost instant sustainable change.  It has been helping clients peel away old labels and discover who they really are and can be. Starting with a new clean slate has offered each of them the infinite possibility of invention.  From there, anything is possible.  Ask me about “ID-Squared”.

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I knew this was going to take some doing because my math insecurity, like many people, had been rooted in disheartening childhood and school experiences that resonated into adulthood. I distinctly remember sitting alongside my brother, struggling with my algebra homework, until my exasperated sibling (five years older) flung his hands in the air and shouted, “She’s never going to get this!” My mother made things worse. “Don’t worry,” she said, turning to me. “He’s smart but you’re charming.”

Of course, as most women entrepreneurs have proven, there is nothing contradictory in being charming and smart. But often, what remains is this lingering, self-limiting belief: “I’m not good at math.” We make up stories about ourselves that support this “no-can-do-math” belief. And we steadfastly avoid making math-related decisions, a behavior that continues to reinforce the belief, however unsupported by current experiences.

A few weeks ago, I decided it was finally time for me to peel away this label. So one afternoon I reconnected with an old friend, Anna, a retired math teacher. We had not seen each other for some time, but I told her exactly what was on my mind: I wanted to create a breakthrough in this area. We agreed to meet for dinner that night at a local restaurant and she gave me my first assignment—bring three algebra word problems to solve.

I was still anxious, of course, but I realized that I would be starting in a slightly different place from where I had been. Instead of saying, “I can’t do that,” I was choosing “It’s possible.” That was a small, but important, decision. For all of us, it takes courage to challenge pre-existing decisions about oneself, to let go of self-imposed limitations.

Anna, for her part, began with a statement that told me everything about her capabilities as a teacher—and I didn’t need an evaluation form to measure it. “I stand for the principle that anyone can learn anything,” she said. Then she told me, “Do you realize that math is just another language, a way of speaking?” The words electrified me. “Yes, that’s what I do,” I thought. “I’m a communicator who uses language to solve problems. I can do that.” With one deft move, Anna had put math in a context I could understand.

Next, she instructed me, “Ask questions immediately. The minute you don’t understand something, ask me. Don’t wait and think to yourself, ‘Well, I’ll figure it out later. ‘” Once again, I was stunned by her wisdom. How often do we see people at work or in school reluctant to ask questions, for fear, perhaps, of being humiliated, being judged as “stupid”? How often do we find ourselves in situations where a manager or technical expert is called in to explain an enormously complex problem and they do so just once—as if once should be enough for true comprehension? It reinforced my belief that we need to make our workplaces safe to ask questions. We frequently don’t know how people are hearing what we say and where their own thinking might be stopped up. We have to allow people enough time to ask, “How do you do that again?”

By the end of my dinner with Anna (and after many questions) I was able to solve the three algebra problems I brought her. I was weeping. Finally, I was at peace about something that has been jamming me up since middle school. No high anxiety, just normal problem-solving. As we parted, Anna left me with one last lesson: Keep practicing. “Don’t expect to know it all immediately,” she said. “Go back and ask more questions. Have fun.” And so I have.

By the way, if you’re curious about the three questions I presented to Anna and want to test your own skills, here’s one of them: An administrative assistant orders cell phones for people in her department. Brand A phones cost $89.95 and Brand B phones cost $34.95. If the assistant orders 3 times as many Brand B phones as Brand A phones at a total cost of $584.40, how many of each did she order?

Know the answer? If you want to verify it—or just want to know how to do it, email me at ellen@cooperperson.com. I’d be delighted to share my experiences—and hear of the stories of your own math challenges and successes.

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Ingrained habits by their very nature are disruptive to your daily life, to your relationships and to your self-esteem. And they are extremely hard to change, especially if they evolve into addictions, such as alcoholism or compulsive overeating. You can teach old dogs new tricks, but they won’t do them for long—unless you find a way to reward them for substituting the old tricks with some new ones.

Of course, there are also lots of good habits that are worth sustaining, like exercising regularly, having Sunday dinner with your family or greeting your employees with a smile every morning. More frequently, however, I’m asked to help people overcome a bad habit they know is dragging them down in their life or business—but they can’t figure out how to change it.  There are a slew of books that claim to name the worst habits and while I agree with some of them,  here’s what I would assemble as  my Top 10 list, based on my own experiences and conversations with hundreds of business owners and executives:

1.  Not feeling that you or your work is good enough –or that you know enough. I call this the “compare-and-despair syndrome.” Many business people, no matter how accomplished, have cultivated this habitual way of thinking. Some may attribute the mental habit to “low self-esteem,” but characterizing it that way still leaves you stuck with no choices. Self-doubt is a trap that only leads to more negative thinking like “there is definitely something wrong with me.” (I’m getting depressed just following this line of thinking.) These self-defeating thoughts keep people stuck in familiar ruts. Even when you receive compliments, you refuse to give up this built-in bias against yourself.  The foremost principle of human behavior is familiarity. We cannot seem to tolerate what’s unfamiliar for long, even if the new way is preferable.

2. Doing too much. Most executives today are doing too much and pushing too hard, claiming to themselves and others that they’re just “driven,” because of their strong work ethic, to complete an endless list of client and/or family demands. But when we look closely, this often reflects an ingrained habitual pattern of obsessive behaviors and a lack of discipline in establishing clear boundaries.  One example of this behavior is their seeming inability to just say “no.”

3.  Avoiding conflict at any cost. This is a particularly insidious habit, since it’s rewarded by the appearance of collegiality and harmony. In constantly trying to preserve the peace, issues remain unresolved and fester.

4.  Lying. People may consider themselves “basically honest,” but find themselves caught in habitual patterns of lying.  Some have trouble accepting responsibility for their failures, however insignificant; others may lie because they fear the conflict or confrontations that may arise from honest disagreements. Some people just lie, when they could just as easily tell the truth.

5.  Being late. With today’s hectic business pace, many people seem to have developed a bad habit of perpetual lateness. The rationale:  “It won’t really matter” or “it’s ok, they’ll wait—they’ll understand.”  This habit is compounded by other negative  behaviors, such as not calling your client or colleague when you’re unavoidably late for a meeting, as well as co-habits (doing too much), which leave you with not enough time to get to your appointments.

6.  Forgetting (and other acts of carelessness). When “accidental” forgetfulness becomes habitual, people often expose an underlying inability to meet commitments and be accountable for their behavior.

7.  Under-earning. We hear people chronically complain about their jobs paying too little—and then doing nothing about it. They stay in these jobs, afraid to ask their bosses to pay what the job is worth; or they keep accepting assignments from clients at rates that undervalue their time or skills, caving in meekly during negotiations.

8.  Procrastination. This is a common unworkable habit, putting off high-priority tasks that we don’t want to or know how to do. We attend to (or manufacture) innumerable “important” tasks that need to get done before addressing the more critical business at hand. Fear of failure and responsibility are common mind traps.

9.  Trusting the wrong people. This is a kind of “fatal attraction,” habitually being drawn to people who excite you and appeal to your emotional needs. You’re lured to them, despite the fact that they’ve proven untrustworthy, time after time. You keep hoping, somehow, that the next time will be different—even though, deep down inside, you know it won’t be.

10.  Communication problems. These cover an array of bad habits, including not listening, interrupting, being vague or abrupt and aggressive, to name just a few.

Most of us know that these habits make areas of our lives unmanageable, yet we remain stuck in them. Actually, the question to ask is not why, but how? What is the environmental trigger or cue that sets us off andwhat habitual routine do we follow as a result? Experts point out that some sort of inner reward reinforces that behavior—even if it’s ultimately destructive. Through
repetition, such behaviors become habits, which we do without thinking.

To change, we need to track the routine back to the cue, and once we find it, we need to break the connection to the ensuing behavior. There’s a hilarious skit on Mad TV of the old “Bob Newhart Show” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYLMTvxOaeE
in which the comedian, playing the part of no-nonsense therapist, tells his incredulous young patient that all she has to do to change her behavior is to, “Stop it!”  Period. Just stop it. That’s not really the whole story, of course, but as a first step, there’s some truth to that simple directive.  When you sense the cue triggering the bad habit, you need to recoil from the habit as if it were a hot stove.  Stop it! It will feel uncomfortable (changing a habit always is), but focus on the consequences. You want to touch the stove, but every time you do, you get burned, so stop it.

Next, in order to maintain this change, you need to displace your old habit with a new routine that can be repeated over and over, leading to the reward. But sometimes such rewards are determined by how people see themselves—their individual identity. The more we cling to the story that “this is how I am” the more you will stay that way. And when you begin to dispute your lifetime story and displace it with a new narrative, you can replace you old routine with a new one that leads to a more appropriate reward.

The enemies of self-respect, growth and well-being are fear, negative self-talk and a familiar identity. Here is a brief overview of the steps to take from the top 10 bad habits to good ones:

Step 1.  Identify your bad habit behavior

You can’t break a habit unless you know when and how you perform it. Track down your trigger, identify the routine that follows. Complete this sentence, I, (Fill in your bad habit), whenever I (fill in your habit trigger).

Step 2.  Assess the risks and rewards of your bad habit

Your habit offers you short-term rewards, gives you pleasure or relieves your stress, which are sound reasons for why  you have held on to it for so long.  But this habit also holds you back or undermines your health. Recognize the tension you feel continuing this habit as opposed to the long-term benefits you would get if you were to change.

Complete this sentence: If I stop (Fill in your habit), I’ll (what would be possible long term?)

Step 3.  Prepare for Change

Create an environment conducive to the changes you want to make in your life. Remove temptations or stressors, wherever possible. Complete this sentence: The biggest physical obstacles in my daily surroundings that hinder me from breaking my bad habits include:

1._________________2.________________3__________________4_____________

This will help you add good habit reinforcers: The biggest physical assets in my daily surroundings to help me develop good habit behavior include________________________________________________________.

Step 4.  Purge the Urge to Relapse

Complete these sentences: I can’t resist returning to this bad habit when_________________________________.

I’m best at avoiding this bad habit when__________________________________________.

My commitment to breaking this bad habit is____________________________________.

Write a slogan or affirmation you can remember and use against slipping back to old routines.

___________________________________________________________________

Step 5.  Daily Conditioning

The more you feel good, the more you will get hooked on feeling good. You will also become intolerant of feeling bad.

At the end of every day, take a few minutes to express your gratitude for the positive changes that you are making in your life, one day at a time. The strength and confidence we get from breaking our bad habits help us to develop empathy and compassion for others who still struggle with these same problems. The best way for you to keep your new-found freedom is to give it away. That is, find someone who needs help in this area and spread the word. You’ll find the benefits of busting this habit will provide you with unimagined rewards.

Note:  For Alcohol-related problems, eating disorders or other compulsive addictions, contact Alcoholics Anonymous World Services at www.alcoholicsanonymous.org.  For Financial support contact www.DebtorsAnonymous,org.

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The job seems easy, but within minutes the conveyor belt speeds up and it becomes clear they can’t wrap the candy quickly enough. “Ethel,” Lucy says, “I think we’re fighting a losing game.”  Things spiral out of control and the two women find themselves comically stuffing unwrapped candies into their mouths and blouses. Not surprisingly, the two women end up being fired, while the men “fire” themselves, sheepishly admitting they had no idea how hard it was to do housework well.

After all these years, I still find this episode compelling, mainly because of that assembly-line scene. Ironically, it represents how many business executives feel about their work, even though they’re supposed to be managing the assembly line, not stuck on it. They’re trying to wrap up every piece of “candy”—every project, task, presentation, proposal, or product—but no matter how fast they work, the assembly line is faster.

Indeed, almost anyone you talk to these days feels overworked and stressed out; there’s just never enough time. We try to make adjustments, frantically trying to catch up, yet just like Lucy, we fear that “we’re fighting a losing battle.”  But take heart:  We may love Lucy, but we don’t have to love living at warp speed, 24/7.

So how can we manage our time more effectively, given this age of daunting demands?

First, we need to recognize that we live in a compulsive society. We want everything now, and so does everyone else. The behavior of today’s Internet users is a perfect example of our need for speed. In 1999, one research study found that if a page on a website took more than 8 seconds to load, the site could lose up to a third of its visitors. In 2006, a similar study found that a website could lose up to a third of its visitors if a page took more than 4 seconds to load.

Having been hooked on rushes of adrenalin myself, I’d like to share six techniques that have helped me recover from “urgency addiction”:

1) Stop it! Yes, I know all the reasons and excuses about why you have to live like a gerbil on crack. Just make a decision: Are you willing to give it up? Or will you choose to die (early) trying to beat this losing game?

2) Make a list of everything you committed yourself to do. This includes all of the recurring tasks that you are responsible to complete on a daily, weekly and monthly basis. The first thing most people say about this suggestion is that they have no time to make a complete list. If that sounds as ridiculous to you as it does to me, then you’re on the road to recovery. Sticking to this story only means you’d rather live in denial than make the necessary change. The biggest resisters usually don’t want to be accountable for what they must accomplish. It’s much more fun to get high on chaos—and then complain.

3) What’s the priority? This is where lots of folks get stuck. Everything (with few exceptions) seems to be hot, red-hot, or needs to be done absolutely now. So, give it the “belly button test”. The item that gives you the most anxiety in the pit of your stomach—that’s your top priority. It’s the one that keeps appearing on your to-do list and that you’ll get to “someday”…when you have some time. It’s the one you don’t want to do or don’t think you know how to do. I’m a big fan of Stephen Covey’s four quadrants of time—tasks which he defines in terms of urgent/not urgent and important/not important. In his book, First Things First, he points out that whatever you are avoiding (like planning and training) is causing a lot of the crisis items on your list.

4) How much time will it take? This is the question most people forget to ask. Tasks will take longer than you think, and if something can go wrong, it probably will. Allow enough time to get the job done properly. Take a look at all the important projects you’ve put aside and never gotten done because they’re simply too big to fit into your daily schedule. Be realistic: When was the last time you had two hours of uninterrupted time during the week? If you’re like me (you probably are) you rarely have wide-open spaces in your schedule except maybe after 5 and on weekends. Even then, you have other commitments and there is “never enough time.” So if you want to get big projects done, chunk them down to small, manageable bites. Determine roughly how much time each step will take, and break the tasks down into half-hour to hour blocks. That way, you can transfer projects from your to-do list to your calendar and gradually move them forward.

5) Schedule everything on your calendar. Put all your tasks into specific spots, even if they’re a few weeks away. This will give you a sense of relief that they won’t be lost in the black hole of never-finished projects. And make a date with your committed tasks, as if you have an appointment with an important client. Why? Because even though a task is scheduled, you might step right over it and do something else, since no one is holding you accountable. One of the culprits responsible for this behavior is what I call “the shiny thing syndrome.” A more interesting, exciting task shows up that you’d rather do, that you find easier to do and helps you feel good about yourself in the moment you do it. My suggestion is that you make the shiny thing a reward that you can do when the priority tasks are complete.

6) Maintain integrity in the moment of choice. Integrity means doing what you said you would do, when you said you would do it. No excuses, no stories.

To get out of the “not-enough-time” trap, there is just one last decision you need to make. Will you choose to manage your time or will you allow the conveyer belt to spin your life out of control and manage you?

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For me, the process was immensely energizing; it helped sort out my priorities and clarified my long-standing core values.  Most of the items on my “to toss list” were not ideas or behaviors I could eliminate from society overall. Still, they are things that I will not accept as part of my value system. It’s important to be clear about that, both for myself and those I work with. And it’s equally important to affirm the “to keep list,” ideas that exemplify my values, keep me healthy and balanced, and guide my personal and corporate vision.

So, here’s a sampling of items on both my “to toss” and “to keep” list.  Let me know what you think.  I’d welcome your comments and would love to hear some of the items that made your lists.

‘To Toss’ List

The Erosion of Personal Liberty. This insidious phenomenon that has been creeping up bit by bit—the result of our country becoming The Land of the Lawsuit. We can’t do anything for fear of getting sued. We can’t say anything, kiss anyone or touch anyone for fear of being accused of some form of harassment, discrimination, insult or defamation. Certainly, it’s important to be respectful of the rights of others.  But we’ve gone too far as a culture of the protected.  We’ve lost our individual voices, our ability
to connect and communicate without the threat of reprisal.

Dressing Down for Success. No matter where I look, every day seems like Dress-Down Day—and I mean Way Down.  More and more people seem to be dressing without the slightest respect for others (or themselves). How a person dresses not only makes a statement about their professionalism, it may affect their work performance.  One study by the Kellogg School of Management at Northwestern University found that subjects dressed in lab coats (typically associated with care and attentiveness) made about half as many errors on a test as did subjects without the coats. So yes, dressing up, not down, makes a difference.

Entitlement Thinking. About 60 percent of the U.S. population is now getting checks from the government on a regular basis. There seems to be no sense of shame in many people, taking money without any thought of actually working for it. In my experience, that’s what’s known as shanda—Yiddish for a shame or scandal.  There’s a place for government to provide necessary services and emergency assistance, but it should not take the place of our responsibility as family and community members to take care of our own.

The Self-Esteem Thing. These days, a lot of children’s programs and competitions are concluding with the same disturbing outcome: Every kid gets a trophy.  Really?  There seems to be so much hand-wringing over children’s “self-esteem” issues that organizers are afraid to be honest about evaluating performance.   Recognition is important.   But when everyone gets trophies for participation, it doesn’t build self-esteem; it builds apathy.

The ‘Norming’ of Semi-Nudity. I am not (nor have I ever been) against women being attractive and sexy. But I’m not OK  with “the porning of America.” On virtually every pop-culture front, I find myself encountering what is essentially soft-core pornography. Prime-time TV shows display a panorama of cleavage and long legs with stiletto heels—Victoria’s Secret gone wild. Restaurant chains like Hooters (dubbed “breastaurants”) are increasingly popular. Featuring scantily clad waitresses, these places not only serve voyeuristic men, but, astonishingly, families with young children. Terrible! They over-stimulate boys and men, while simultaneously denigrating women, who lose credibility as well as the opportunity for meaningful advancement at work.

Single Adults Raising Kids. It’s not easy sustaining long-term marriages these, days, given the myriad societal pressures. But it’s still staggering to me that four in ten American women are not married when they have children, according to researchers, and more than half of births to women younger than 30 are outside marriage.  Many non-marital births occur among couples living together, but two-thirds of them split up by the time their child turns 10.  This is often possible because both parents work, but it puts tremendous pressure on people in the workforce. And it’s a bad model for kids and adults alike. Too often, the message is:  Relationships don’t have to be taken seriously.

The Rise of ‘Secular Fanaticism.’ One of our nation’s founding principles was the separation of church and state, but I think we’ve gone over the top in our protests over religion in the public arena.  I’m not offended when people say “Merry Christmas” instead of “Happy Holidays.” On the other hand, I am annoyed when institutions decide to stay open for the traditional Christmas holidays for fear of offending non-Christians. And I’m angered that our government bureaucrats feel compelled to remove “In God We Trust” from our coins. While honoring our history, it’s important to acknowledge that an integral part of America is the  spiritual life of its people.

‘To Keep’ List

The Reduction in Racism. Granted, the recent killing of an unarmed black teenager, Trayvon Martin, by a neighborhood watch group member in Florida has sparked widespread public protests over the continuing problem of racial profiling. Nevertheless, I’m gratified to see significant progress in the nation’s attitudes toward race and ethnicity over the years: greater openness and inclusion of all peoples; the appreciation of cultural differences; the increased acceptance of interracial relationships. Sometimes there are backlashes and inevitably, progress is uneven. But it’s still remarkable that the growing diversity of our culture will likely become a non-issue for my grandchildren.

The Power of Women. It’s good that both Democrats and Republicans finally recognize the importance of women voters in deciding the future of this country. After all, it’s been 92 years since women were granted the right to vote, more than seven decades after the women’s suffrage movement began. At any rate, the major political parties today are courting the “women’s vote”—a vaguely absurd strategy, as if all women want the same thing.  Surely, women do share some goals, like equal pay for equal work and the ability to spend time with their families as well as at work. Perhaps the time has come for women to decide the rest of their agenda and answer the age-old question for themselves and the country: “What do women really want?” There is no better time to speak up, since the powers that be (or want to be) are listening.

Wondrous Advances in Technology.  Like many people, I continue to be challenged by the relentless march of technology.  It has forced us to speed up our lives, sometimes spinning us out of control—oops, that goes on the not-so-good list!  But we can also do amazing things, unimaginable just a few years ago: Attend a seminar while riding an exercise bike; record our favorite TV program to watch whenever we like;  read e-mails on the beach (although maybe we shouldn’t); talk to people all over the world, while sitting in our pajamas.  I Skype with clients in Australia and my grandkids in Albany—all in the same day.

Living Longer, Healthier Lives. Despite significant problems with obesity and substance abuse, Americans are more health-conscious than ever before, and generally, we’re doing better at taking care of ourselves. We’re living longer, more active lives. (My 85-year-old friend is still playing tennis.) I’m grateful for the medical advances during my lifetime and the opportunities to make healthier eating choices. And I appreciate that there is much more research about complicated and confounding challenges, such as autism. While autism spectrum disorders have still reached epidemic proportions—now affecting 1 in 88 children—at least we’ve begun to acknowledge the seriousness of the situation, no longer trying to deny or marginalize it.

The Information Explosion. We live in an Internet age when we can literally find out about anything—if we really want to. If I want to locate a group of people to talk to about my favorite subjects (Ayn Rand’s philosophy, for example), I can do that.
I can learn about virtually any subject from university professors to top business experts online—for free.  Through social networking, I can connect with friends around the world.  I can even identify the bug crawling around outside my window right now, almost instantly, with a few clicks on my computer screen.

The Opportunity to Travel the World. Despite the hassles of dealing with airport security (another candidate for the “to toss” list), most of us can travel around the world and to practically any place in it. When I was a kid in Brooklyn, if you went to Long Island, that was a journey. And when my grandmother flew in from California, she was treated like she came from another planet—far, far away. Today, middle school students go to Europe. And when I travel, I can choose from the most vibrant U.S. cities to the most rural African villages–where nobody knows my name.

The Privilege of Living in America. Yes, this is still the place with the most liberty, religious freedom and social tolerance—and opportunity to get rich and live an amazing life!  So as we cleanout the mental closets and decide what to keep and what to throw away, let’s be grateful for what’s good and guard against bringing in any more of what’s bad. Instead of complaining, it might help to realize that in many ways we are living in the most blessed time, in the most blessed place.

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