By Ellen Cooperperson, on May 16th, 2012
A few weeks ago, an engaging new book made its debut, called The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business, by Charles Duhigg. In his book, Duhigg, an investigative reporter for The New York Times, takes an extensive look at the science of habit formation and change. It’s an intriguing subject, and something I’ve been addressing as an executive coach and management consultant for many years: Identifying and breaking bad habits that hold people back.
Ingrained habits by their very nature are disruptive to your daily life, to your relationships and to your self-esteem. And they are extremely hard to change, especially if they evolve into addictions, such as alcoholism or compulsive overeating. You can teach old dogs new tricks, but they won’t do them for long—unless you find a way to reward them for substituting the old tricks with some new ones.
Of course, there are also lots of good habits that are worth sustaining, like exercising regularly, having Sunday dinner with your family or greeting your employees with a smile every morning. More frequently, however, I’m asked to help people overcome a bad habit they know is dragging them down in their life or business—but they can’t figure out how to change it. There are a slew of books that claim to name the worst habits and while I agree with some of them, here’s what I would assemble as my Top 10 list, based on my own experiences and conversations with hundreds of business owners and executives:
1. Not feeling that you or your work is good enough –or that you know enough. I call this the “compare-and-despair syndrome.” Many business people, no matter how accomplished, have cultivated this habitual way of thinking. Some may attribute the mental habit to “low self-esteem,” but characterizing it that way still leaves you stuck with no choices. Self-doubt is a trap that only leads to more negative thinking like “there is definitely something wrong with me.” (I’m getting depressed just following this line of thinking.) These self-defeating thoughts keep people stuck in familiar ruts. Even when you receive compliments, you refuse to give up this built-in bias against yourself. The foremost principle of human behavior is familiarity. We cannot seem to tolerate what’s unfamiliar for long, even if the new way is preferable.
2. Doing too much. Most executives today are doing too much and pushing too hard, claiming to themselves and others that they’re just “driven,” because of their strong work ethic, to complete an endless list of client and/or family demands. But when we look closely, this often reflects an ingrained habitual pattern of obsessive behaviors and a lack of discipline in establishing clear boundaries. One example of this behavior is their seeming inability to just say “no.”
3. Avoiding conflict at any cost. This is a particularly insidious habit, since it’s rewarded by the appearance of collegiality and harmony. In constantly trying to preserve the peace, issues remain unresolved and fester.
4. Lying. People may consider themselves “basically honest,” but find themselves caught in habitual patterns of lying. Some have trouble accepting responsibility for their failures, however insignificant; others may lie because they fear the conflict or confrontations that may arise from honest disagreements. Some people just lie, when they could just as easily tell the truth.
5. Being late. With today’s hectic business pace, many people seem to have developed a bad habit of perpetual lateness. The rationale: “It won’t really matter” or “it’s ok, they’ll wait—they’ll understand.” This habit is compounded by other negative behaviors, such as not calling your client or colleague when you’re unavoidably late for a meeting, as well as co-habits (doing too much), which leave you with not enough time to get to your appointments.
6. Forgetting (and other acts of carelessness). When “accidental” forgetfulness becomes habitual, people often expose an underlying inability to meet commitments and be accountable for their behavior.
7. Under-earning. We hear people chronically complain about their jobs paying too little—and then doing nothing about it. They stay in these jobs, afraid to ask their bosses to pay what the job is worth; or they keep accepting assignments from clients at rates that undervalue their time or skills, caving in meekly during negotiations.
8. Procrastination. This is a common unworkable habit, putting off high-priority tasks that we don’t want to or know how to do. We attend to (or manufacture) innumerable “important” tasks that need to get done before addressing the more critical business at hand. Fear of failure and responsibility are common mind traps.
9. Trusting the wrong people. This is a kind of “fatal attraction,” habitually being drawn to people who excite you and appeal to your emotional needs. You’re lured to them, despite the fact that they’ve proven untrustworthy, time after time. You keep hoping, somehow, that the next time will be different—even though, deep down inside, you know it won’t be.
10. Communication problems. These cover an array of bad habits, including not listening, interrupting, being vague or abrupt and aggressive, to name just a few.
Most of us know that these habits make areas of our lives unmanageable, yet we remain stuck in them. Actually, the question to ask is not why, but how? What is the environmental trigger or cue that sets us off andwhat habitual routine do we follow as a result? Experts point out that some sort of inner reward reinforces that behavior—even if it’s ultimately destructive. Through
repetition, such behaviors become habits, which we do without thinking.
To change, we need to track the routine back to the cue, and once we find it, we need to break the connection to the ensuing behavior. There’s a hilarious skit on Mad TV of the old “Bob Newhart Show” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYLMTvxOaeE
in which the comedian, playing the part of no-nonsense therapist, tells his incredulous young patient that all she has to do to change her behavior is to, “Stop it!” Period. Just stop it. That’s not really the whole story, of course, but as a first step, there’s some truth to that simple directive. When you sense the cue triggering the bad habit, you need to recoil from the habit as if it were a hot stove. Stop it! It will feel uncomfortable (changing a habit always is), but focus on the consequences. You want to touch the stove, but every time you do, you get burned, so stop it.
Next, in order to maintain this change, you need to displace your old habit with a new routine that can be repeated over and over, leading to the reward. But sometimes such rewards are determined by how people see themselves—their individual identity. The more we cling to the story that “this is how I am” the more you will stay that way. And when you begin to dispute your lifetime story and displace it with a new narrative, you can replace you old routine with a new one that leads to a more appropriate reward.
The enemies of self-respect, growth and well-being are fear, negative self-talk and a familiar identity. Here is a brief overview of the steps to take from the top 10 bad habits to good ones:
Step 1. Identify your bad habit behavior
You can’t break a habit unless you know when and how you perform it. Track down your trigger, identify the routine that follows. Complete this sentence, I, (Fill in your bad habit), whenever I (fill in your habit trigger).
Step 2. Assess the risks and rewards of your bad habit
Your habit offers you short-term rewards, gives you pleasure or relieves your stress, which are sound reasons for why you have held on to it for so long. But this habit also holds you back or undermines your health. Recognize the tension you feel continuing this habit as opposed to the long-term benefits you would get if you were to change.
Complete this sentence: If I stop (Fill in your habit), I’ll (what would be possible long term?)
Step 3. Prepare for Change
Create an environment conducive to the changes you want to make in your life. Remove temptations or stressors, wherever possible. Complete this sentence: The biggest physical obstacles in my daily surroundings that hinder me from breaking my bad habits include:
1._________________2.________________3__________________4_____________
This will help you add good habit reinforcers: The biggest physical assets in my daily surroundings to help me develop good habit behavior include________________________________________________________.
Step 4. Purge the Urge to Relapse
Complete these sentences: I can’t resist returning to this bad habit when_________________________________.
I’m best at avoiding this bad habit when__________________________________________.
My commitment to breaking this bad habit is____________________________________.
Write a slogan or affirmation you can remember and use against slipping back to old routines.
___________________________________________________________________
Step 5. Daily Conditioning
The more you feel good, the more you will get hooked on feeling good. You will also become intolerant of feeling bad.
At the end of every day, take a few minutes to express your gratitude for the positive changes that you are making in your life, one day at a time. The strength and confidence we get from breaking our bad habits help us to develop empathy and compassion for others who still struggle with these same problems. The best way for you to keep your new-found freedom is to give it away. That is, find someone who needs help in this area and spread the word. You’ll find the benefits of busting this habit will provide you with unimagined rewards.
Note: For Alcohol-related problems, eating disorders or other compulsive addictions, contact Alcoholics Anonymous World Services at www.alcoholicsanonymous.org. For Financial support contact www.DebtorsAnonymous,org.
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By Ellen Cooperperson, on April 26th, 2012
Many of us who grew up watching “I Love Lucy” on our family’s black-and-white TV can vividly recall an iconic episode where Lucy and her sidekick, Ethel, agree to “switch jobs” with their husbands, taking jobs outside the house while Ricky and Fred stay home to take care of the household chores. Lucy and Ethel end up working on an assembly line at a candy factory, wrapping individual pieces of chocolate as they go by on a conveyor belt. As they begin, their haughty supervisor warns them, “If one piece of candy gets past you and into the packing room unwrapped, you’re fired!”
The job seems easy, but within minutes the conveyor belt speeds up and it becomes clear they can’t wrap the candy quickly enough. “Ethel,” Lucy says, “I think we’re fighting a losing game.” Things spiral out of control and the two women find themselves comically stuffing unwrapped candies into their mouths and blouses. Not surprisingly, the two women end up being fired, while the men “fire” themselves, sheepishly admitting they had no idea how hard it was to do housework well.
After all these years, I still find this episode compelling, mainly because of that assembly-line scene. Ironically, it represents how many business executives feel about their work, even though they’re supposed to be managing the assembly line, not stuck on it. They’re trying to wrap up every piece of “candy”—every project, task, presentation, proposal, or product—but no matter how fast they work, the assembly line is faster.
Indeed, almost anyone you talk to these days feels overworked and stressed out; there’s just never enough time. We try to make adjustments, frantically trying to catch up, yet just like Lucy, we fear that “we’re fighting a losing battle.” But take heart: We may love Lucy, but we don’t have to love living at warp speed, 24/7.
So how can we manage our time more effectively, given this age of daunting demands?
First, we need to recognize that we live in a compulsive society. We want everything now, and so does everyone else. The behavior of today’s Internet users is a perfect example of our need for speed. In 1999, one research study found that if a page on a website took more than 8 seconds to load, the site could lose up to a third of its visitors. In 2006, a similar study found that a website could lose up to a third of its visitors if a page took more than 4 seconds to load.
Having been hooked on rushes of adrenalin myself, I’d like to share six techniques that have helped me recover from “urgency addiction”:
1) Stop it! Yes, I know all the reasons and excuses about why you have to live like a gerbil on crack. Just make a decision: Are you willing to give it up? Or will you choose to die (early) trying to beat this losing game?
2) Make a list of everything you committed yourself to do. This includes all of the recurring tasks that you are responsible to complete on a daily, weekly and monthly basis. The first thing most people say about this suggestion is that they have no time to make a complete list. If that sounds as ridiculous to you as it does to me, then you’re on the road to recovery. Sticking to this story only means you’d rather live in denial than make the necessary change. The biggest resisters usually don’t want to be accountable for what they must accomplish. It’s much more fun to get high on chaos—and then complain.
3) What’s the priority? This is where lots of folks get stuck. Everything (with few exceptions) seems to be hot, red-hot, or needs to be done absolutely now. So, give it the “belly button test”. The item that gives you the most anxiety in the pit of your stomach—that’s your top priority. It’s the one that keeps appearing on your to-do list and that you’ll get to “someday”…when you have some time. It’s the one you don’t want to do or don’t think you know how to do. I’m a big fan of Stephen Covey’s four quadrants of time—tasks which he defines in terms of urgent/not urgent and important/not important. In his book, First Things First, he points out that whatever you are avoiding (like planning and training) is causing a lot of the crisis items on your list.
4) How much time will it take? This is the question most people forget to ask. Tasks will take longer than you think, and if something can go wrong, it probably will. Allow enough time to get the job done properly. Take a look at all the important projects you’ve put aside and never gotten done because they’re simply too big to fit into your daily schedule. Be realistic: When was the last time you had two hours of uninterrupted time during the week? If you’re like me (you probably are) you rarely have wide-open spaces in your schedule except maybe after 5 and on weekends. Even then, you have other commitments and there is “never enough time.” So if you want to get big projects done, chunk them down to small, manageable bites. Determine roughly how much time each step will take, and break the tasks down into half-hour to hour blocks. That way, you can transfer projects from your to-do list to your calendar and gradually move them forward.
5) Schedule everything on your calendar. Put all your tasks into specific spots, even if they’re a few weeks away. This will give you a sense of relief that they won’t be lost in the black hole of never-finished projects. And make a date with your committed tasks, as if you have an appointment with an important client. Why? Because even though a task is scheduled, you might step right over it and do something else, since no one is holding you accountable. One of the culprits responsible for this behavior is what I call “the shiny thing syndrome.” A more interesting, exciting task shows up that you’d rather do, that you find easier to do and helps you feel good about yourself in the moment you do it. My suggestion is that you make the shiny thing a reward that you can do when the priority tasks are complete.
6) Maintain integrity in the moment of choice. Integrity means doing what you said you would do, when you said you would do it. No excuses, no stories.
To get out of the “not-enough-time” trap, there is just one last decision you need to make. Will you choose to manage your time or will you allow the conveyer belt to spin your life out of control and manage you?
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By Ellen Cooperperson, on April 12th, 2012
In my last newsletter, I wrote about the notion of “spring cleaning for the mind”: tossing out the old, worn ideas that have been holding us back, and welcoming in some fresh perspectives to invigorate our spirit, as well as our businesses. Of course, the key to cleaning out our mental closet is to actually do it. We have to sit down and write out one list of ideas we need to throw out and another list of those we want to keep, perhaps with some revisions.
For me, the process was immensely energizing; it helped sort out my priorities and clarified my long-standing core values. Most of the items on my “to toss list” were not ideas or behaviors I could eliminate from society overall. Still, they are things that I will not accept as part of my value system. It’s important to be clear about that, both for myself and those I work with. And it’s equally important to affirm the “to keep list,” ideas that exemplify my values, keep me healthy and balanced, and guide my personal and corporate vision.
So, here’s a sampling of items on both my “to toss” and “to keep” list. Let me know what you think. I’d welcome your comments and would love to hear some of the items that made your lists.
‘To Toss’ List
The Erosion of Personal Liberty. This insidious phenomenon that has been creeping up bit by bit—the result of our country becoming The Land of the Lawsuit. We can’t do anything for fear of getting sued. We can’t say anything, kiss anyone or touch anyone for fear of being accused of some form of harassment, discrimination, insult or defamation. Certainly, it’s important to be respectful of the rights of others. But we’ve gone too far as a culture of the protected. We’ve lost our individual voices, our ability
to connect and communicate without the threat of reprisal.
Dressing Down for Success. No matter where I look, every day seems like Dress-Down Day—and I mean Way Down. More and more people seem to be dressing without the slightest respect for others (or themselves). How a person dresses not only makes a statement about their professionalism, it may affect their work performance. One study by the Kellogg School of Management at Northwestern University found that subjects dressed in lab coats (typically associated with care and attentiveness) made about half as many errors on a test as did subjects without the coats. So yes, dressing up, not down, makes a difference.
Entitlement Thinking. About 60 percent of the U.S. population is now getting checks from the government on a regular basis. There seems to be no sense of shame in many people, taking money without any thought of actually working for it. In my experience, that’s what’s known as shanda—Yiddish for a shame or scandal. There’s a place for government to provide necessary services and emergency assistance, but it should not take the place of our responsibility as family and community members to take care of our own.
The Self-Esteem Thing. These days, a lot of children’s programs and competitions are concluding with the same disturbing outcome: Every kid gets a trophy. Really? There seems to be so much hand-wringing over children’s “self-esteem” issues that organizers are afraid to be honest about evaluating performance. Recognition is important. But when everyone gets trophies for participation, it doesn’t build self-esteem; it builds apathy.
The ‘Norming’ of Semi-Nudity. I am not (nor have I ever been) against women being attractive and sexy. But I’m not OK with “the porning of America.” On virtually every pop-culture front, I find myself encountering what is essentially soft-core pornography. Prime-time TV shows display a panorama of cleavage and long legs with stiletto heels—Victoria’s Secret gone wild. Restaurant chains like Hooters (dubbed “breastaurants”) are increasingly popular. Featuring scantily clad waitresses, these places not only serve voyeuristic men, but, astonishingly, families with young children. Terrible! They over-stimulate boys and men, while simultaneously denigrating women, who lose credibility as well as the opportunity for meaningful advancement at work.
Single Adults Raising Kids. It’s not easy sustaining long-term marriages these, days, given the myriad societal pressures. But it’s still staggering to me that four in ten American women are not married when they have children, according to researchers, and more than half of births to women younger than 30 are outside marriage. Many non-marital births occur among couples living together, but two-thirds of them split up by the time their child turns 10. This is often possible because both parents work, but it puts tremendous pressure on people in the workforce. And it’s a bad model for kids and adults alike. Too often, the message is: Relationships don’t have to be taken seriously.
The Rise of ‘Secular Fanaticism.’ One of our nation’s founding principles was the separation of church and state, but I think we’ve gone over the top in our protests over religion in the public arena. I’m not offended when people say “Merry Christmas” instead of “Happy Holidays.” On the other hand, I am annoyed when institutions decide to stay open for the traditional Christmas holidays for fear of offending non-Christians. And I’m angered that our government bureaucrats feel compelled to remove “In God We Trust” from our coins. While honoring our history, it’s important to acknowledge that an integral part of America is the spiritual life of its people.
‘To Keep’ List
The Reduction in Racism. Granted, the recent killing of an unarmed black teenager, Trayvon Martin, by a neighborhood watch group member in Florida has sparked widespread public protests over the continuing problem of racial profiling. Nevertheless, I’m gratified to see significant progress in the nation’s attitudes toward race and ethnicity over the years: greater openness and inclusion of all peoples; the appreciation of cultural differences; the increased acceptance of interracial relationships. Sometimes there are backlashes and inevitably, progress is uneven. But it’s still remarkable that the growing diversity of our culture will likely become a non-issue for my grandchildren.
The Power of Women. It’s good that both Democrats and Republicans finally recognize the importance of women voters in deciding the future of this country. After all, it’s been 92 years since women were granted the right to vote, more than seven decades after the women’s suffrage movement began. At any rate, the major political parties today are courting the “women’s vote”—a vaguely absurd strategy, as if all women want the same thing. Surely, women do share some goals, like equal pay for equal work and the ability to spend time with their families as well as at work. Perhaps the time has come for women to decide the rest of their agenda and answer the age-old question for themselves and the country: “What do women really want?” There is no better time to speak up, since the powers that be (or want to be) are listening.
Wondrous Advances in Technology. Like many people, I continue to be challenged by the relentless march of technology. It has forced us to speed up our lives, sometimes spinning us out of control—oops, that goes on the not-so-good list! But we can also do amazing things, unimaginable just a few years ago: Attend a seminar while riding an exercise bike; record our favorite TV program to watch whenever we like; read e-mails on the beach (although maybe we shouldn’t); talk to people all over the world, while sitting in our pajamas. I Skype with clients in Australia and my grandkids in Albany—all in the same day.
Living Longer, Healthier Lives. Despite significant problems with obesity and substance abuse, Americans are more health-conscious than ever before, and generally, we’re doing better at taking care of ourselves. We’re living longer, more active lives. (My 85-year-old friend is still playing tennis.) I’m grateful for the medical advances during my lifetime and the opportunities to make healthier eating choices. And I appreciate that there is much more research about complicated and confounding challenges, such as autism. While autism spectrum disorders have still reached epidemic proportions—now affecting 1 in 88 children—at least we’ve begun to acknowledge the seriousness of the situation, no longer trying to deny or marginalize it.
The Information Explosion. We live in an Internet age when we can literally find out about anything—if we really want to. If I want to locate a group of people to talk to about my favorite subjects (Ayn Rand’s philosophy, for example), I can do that.
I can learn about virtually any subject from university professors to top business experts online—for free. Through social networking, I can connect with friends around the world. I can even identify the bug crawling around outside my window right now, almost instantly, with a few clicks on my computer screen.
The Opportunity to Travel the World. Despite the hassles of dealing with airport security (another candidate for the “to toss” list), most of us can travel around the world and to practically any place in it. When I was a kid in Brooklyn, if you went to Long Island, that was a journey. And when my grandmother flew in from California, she was treated like she came from another planet—far, far away. Today, middle school students go to Europe. And when I travel, I can choose from the most vibrant U.S. cities to the most rural African villages–where nobody knows my name.
The Privilege of Living in America. Yes, this is still the place with the most liberty, religious freedom and social tolerance—and opportunity to get rich and live an amazing life! So as we cleanout the mental closets and decide what to keep and what to throw away, let’s be grateful for what’s good and guard against bringing in any more of what’s bad. Instead of complaining, it might help to realize that in many ways we are living in the most blessed time, in the most blessed place.
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By Ellen Cooperperson, on March 29th, 2012
I’ve never been a big fan of “Survivor.” Yes, the reality TV show where contestants are dropped into remote locations and divided into “tribes” that compete against each other in a series of bizarre tasks—like eating bugs and ferrying coconuts across a swamp in their underpants. Each week, participants are voted off the show by their peers, usually after a variety of intrigues, secret deals, backstabbing, blatant lies and frequent displays of ruthless, unapologetic self-interest. In the end, the last survivor gets a $1 million prize.
Of course, there’s not much need to watch the show these days. Not when we’ve got the Republican presidential primary contests with pretty much the same story line. Ultimately, there will be one man left standing with the prized nomination, only to face President Obama in yet another “Survivor” game this fall.
Really, folks, is this any way to pick a president—the last person standing who’s managed to survive a grueling political season of unsavory tasks, back-room deals and unrelenting public attacks? I don’t think so.
It’s time that We, the People, insisted on a better process: One that genuinely helps us make a wise collective decision in picking the next CEO of our nation, rather than relying on undefined feelings and emotions, personal interests and preferences, and the seductive influence of negative advertising. Granted, the presidency is a huge (and hugely complex) job. But as a long-time organizational consultant and executive coach, I strongly believe that choosing a president requires essentially the same process as hiring the best candidate to lead a company. In fact, that’s how we should think about the upcoming election: We are hiring a president.
So what’s the first thing we need to do? Take away all the labels—Democrat, Republican, Conservative, Liberal, Progressive, Libertarian, whatever—they’re off the table. We only have one mission: To determine what’s in the best interest of the country and chose the right person to get us there.
Second, we need to ask ourselves, “What are the core values of such a leader?” Start with integrity. Without integrity—a foundational core of ethical values—leaders cannot lead. Their organizations may continue to be successful on some level, but they will ultimately falter. This lesson came to light earlier this month in the stunningly public resignation letter of Greg Smith, executive director of Goldman Sachs, published as an op-ed piece in The New York Times. In his letter, Smith condemned Goldman’s “toxic and destructive” culture, which allowed “morally bankrupt” people to put the firm’s trading profits ahead of their clients’ needs. “How did we get here?” he asked. “The firm changed the way it thought about leadership. Leadership used to be about ideas, setting an example and doing the right thing. Today, if you make enough money for the firm (and are not currently an ax murderer) you will be promoted into a position of influence.”
While some critics have questioned Smith’s methods, his message is something we should ponder, whether we’re choosing the leader for our company or the leader of our country. What values does this person really support? Do they represent a consonant system that perpetuates the kind of country we want to live in?
A leader has to be able to express such values in terms of a clear vision statement, followed up with a concrete plan of action. And boy, do we need an action plan! There’s infighting everywhere, lack of trust, low morale. People who try to speak up are shouted down or kicked out. Families are spending more money than they have coming in; large numbers of our population are substance abusers and self-centered fear is at the core running the show. These are some of the symptoms I see every day in dysfunctional organizations—symptoms of the lack of emotionally intelligent leadership, from top down.
At times our problems result from divergent values, rather than lack of values. Which brings me to the third thing we need to do: Set up forums for people to openly debate our values, instead of trying to manipulate discourse with distractions. (Do we really have to see Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich taunt Mitt Romney with an Etch-a-Sketch tablet over a casual remark made by one of his aides?) We must listen to what candidates have to say, weigh the logic, analyze how they act—versus how they claim to act—and consider the likely consequences of their actions. We must stay open to new ideas, but also determine what fixed values define our lives, the True North of our moral compass.
All this comes through hard work and courageous conversations, no shortcuts. As Greg Smith pointedly noted about Goldman Sachs, the firm “has become too much about
shortcuts and not enough about achievement.” Our expectations of our leaders (and of each other) need to be higher than ever, for the stakes are high: the survival of our uniquely American heritage.
We have to take responsibility for ourselves, our family, our company and our community. Over the years, I’ve counseled many clients about the importance of hiring moral leaders who can create unity and serve their organizations. Now this process might also help you decide how to vote in the upcoming election. The reward is your legacy. Now there’s a bonus for you!
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By Ellen Cooperperson, on March 13th, 2012
(And Save Yourself Endless Agony)
Over the last few weeks I’ve had some lengthy conversations with colleagues about a common challenge facing small business owners: how to choose ideal clients—those with integrity—just as we would choose our employees, vendors, associates and friends. I know that many businesses today are desperate for new customers, simply struggling to increase their business any way they can. But it’s important to remain patient and picky, even in hard times, because allowing a dysfunctional client into your heart can be disastrous. You may open yourself up to unreasonable demands (that you try to fill), unrealistic expectations (that you try to meet), and unfounded accusations (that may land you in litigation). These people will sap your energy, distract you from critical tasks, and blame you for their troubles—no matter how much you try to help them.
Who are these people? And how can you spot them, especially when they’re not holding up a “Run like Hell” sign? Actually, they’re not who you might expect: pushy, slick New York stereotypes. Quite the opposite. By most accounts, these people tend to be extremely charming—and disarming. They’re funny and delightful. Their primary characteristic is charisma, and we’re happily taken in by their charms, like voters entranced by a smooth talking politician.
But like politicians, these people will tell you anything—and then do something completely different. They make a slew of unfounded claims and promises. And they have no conscience, no regrets. (Does Bernie Madoff come to mind?) At first, you keep trusting these people again and again, even when they demonstrate that they’re not trustworthy. You can’t accept what they do, mainly because you’re unable to conceive of anyone not having a conscience like yours.
Part of the problem (and this goes for all of us) is that your professional ego gets in the way. These folks reach out for your help and tell you how much they need you. You, in turn, are flattered by the challenge of rescuing them from their problems: “I’m going to help you conquer the world, when nobody else can!” You’re held close to them by your own compassion—until some conflict or difference of opinion emerges. Then…you start to see their character flaws in the light of day.
The minute you refuse to fully commiserate with these people, they turn on you. Now they’re the “victims”; they blame you for their troubles and, naturally, they’re helpless to fix these problems themselves. And the more you stand on principles, the worse the situation gets, for, as psychiatrist F. Scott Peck described in his 1998 book, these are “People of the Lie.”
Sadly, this is not an isolated phenomenon. I’ve watched this happen to many great business leaders when they get too close to these clients; they allow their professional boundaries to disappear, against their better judgment. While they see the warning signs, they’ve chosen to rationalize them. They tell themselves, “Yeah, I know this guy seems dysfunctional, but maybe he’s just ‘quirky.’ ” Or perhaps they convince themselves that despite the hazards, “This client seems like the perfect fit for what I care about.” (Of course, what they really care about is the monthly retainer.)
To make matters worse, such executives and business owners often keep revisiting these toxic relationships, trying to fix things, the way they usually do. But they can’t. In trying to “rescue the victim” they end up being the victim. No matter what they do, they cannot stop such clients from maligning them. They try to do the right thing, but just end up getting tainted. They may even try to destroy your reputation.
If you are one of these owners, you have to accept that you cannot change these clients (or employees), because they don’t have the willingness to change. Stop reaching back into hell to check whether it’s still hot. It is. Leave these people their worship of chaos and destruction, re-establish your boundaries and move on without them.
This may not be easy, but as the great motivational speaker, Les Brown, says: “If we do what’s hard, life gets easy. If we do what’s easy, life gets hard.” In fact, many companies suffer because their owners put up with these kinds of relationships too long; it seems easier, short term, to avoid the issues and try to get by. What they need, however, is to separate compassion from justice.
If you’re trying to rescue a dysfunctional person, communicate with them directly and clearly, even though you know they couldn’t care less—this is where compassion ends and justice begins. You may be congenitally altruistic, but you must also protect yourself. These are nasty people: cunning, baffling and often powerful. Get clear about who they are.
Learn to recognize the warning signs of such behavior. (How do these people treat their own employees? What are their core values that show up in what they do, not just what they say?) Practice emotional detachment. And maintain your boundaries, for they will make your life miserable if you get too close.
Finally, if this kind of stuff hits you hard and knocks you off balance, talk to a professional coach. There is no way to get out of these tailspins alone. You will need a “champion,” one who will support you when you’re most vulnerable, help you understand why this is causing you such despair, and most important, what you can do to move forward and be a real service to yourself and others.
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Ellen Cooperperson is the CEO of 
